i write book

We'll start at the beginning

Richard Broadham looked out over the crowd, swaying and swooning before him. He took it all in, the music, the rock, the crowds cheering, the lights glaring, the hair, the sound. It was all there and it all rocked so hard.

FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YEEEEAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As the lead singer of Steel Rose he had been to a lot of gigs before because he was the lead singer of a famous rock and roll band. But this was it. He stood before the crowd in the centre of the stage. Like some sort of stone statue or something. To his left was the lead guitar, still fading out from his awesome guitar solo. To his right was the bass player, kinda looking like he wish he had something to do. To his front was the drummer, Anthony Dawkins, because he was totally facing away from the crowd. Anthony was ok, he thought, but he doesn't really get rock, you know? No wait, I've got to concentrate, thought Broadham, as he brought his attention back to the show. Some people thought that Steel Rose was dead, he thought. Some people said that Steel Rose's time was over. Some people said that Steel Rose just couldn't rock it like they used to, back when they first started. Yeah, he thought. They did.

Who's this strapping young lass he has become entangled with?

Finally he came to the most totally awesome part of the evening. Richard had a girlfriend, Pearl Haba. She was this totally awesome Japanese chick from Japan. Her eyes were pearly white with pearly black bit in the middle, like a baby seal covered in crude oil in the middle of an iceberg. She was the lead singer in her kick-ass Japanese punk band from Japan, the Violent Mother Jerk-Offs. They were playing downtown L.A. later tonight.

"Hey lova!" she said, "U wan fry rice?" She was always stuffing herself with that fry rice. But that's what asian chicks do. Richard didn't care, so long as she stayed thin. Asian chicks are always thin so he should be ok there.

But wait, there's more! Don't forget Tyler Dunn

Lights.

Music.

Rock music.

Yeah this was it. This was rock. Tyler Dunn stood before the crowd, swaying and swooning beneath him. As the lead singer in the world famous "Burn" rock and roll band he had seen some awesome crowds before. But these guys were the best. Boston always rocked the stadium so hard. It had all come together tonight. The lights, the music, the crowd, the hair. The hair was really good. It puffed up so well, like a tarred and feathered puffer fish. And it stayed too, it stayed up all night even through the massive shredding guitar solos. He really had to thank the lead guitarist after the show. Man he had to thank everybody this was just awesome.

His girlfriend is as pretty as a picture:

Minnie Sota was there backstage. She was Tylers totally cute Japanese girlfriend from Japan. She was like a little button wrapped in a snowflake to him. Oh my god that made like no sense but it sounded kind of cute. She wore a black leather jacket with a stylised kitten on it. The kitten had a little leather jacket on and was holding a couple of drumsticks. So cute. Minnie was a drummer in this cool Japanese punk band the Violent Mother Jerk-Offs. Tyler thought they had a cool sound. So old school but not afraid to be new and do their own thing, you know?

Only two more major characters to go...

It was Alec, the band manager. He was a real pro, decked out in the finest Italian suits, a pure silk pink shirt with a baby blue tie. Underneath those fine Mediterraneon threads rippled the taut bronzed muscles of an Australian man. Impeccable pecs, disasterous thighs. They are men's men, those Australian men, Richard thought. Very manly.

And finally the unforgettable Wombat

It emerged from the sea and sat on the beach, crushing hundreds of innocent bystanders. Taking it's first breaths in fifteen years it savoured the sweet salty aroma of human blood. It's ears, fully perked, soaked up the screams of human misery below him. Another fun day at the beach, he thought?

Oh yeah. He's a little bit emotional at the start.

So where do we go with this? Oh how about everywhere. Let's start with Alec taking out a whole clan of ninjas single-handed!

The sheer force of the tackle took them both through a window and into a neighbouring swimming pool. The water frothed with furious intensity as Alec and the ninja fought each other to the death with all their might. Suddenly the frothing stopped, leaving the water clear as crystal. We can't see who won though because our viewpoint is so close to the ground. We can only see the surface of the pool and nobody has broken the surface yet. Maybe both of them died in the attack. It happens surprisingly often, they don't show that in the movies and it would be kind of cool if this one did.

Suddenly a hand breaks the calm surface. There's no black cloth around it, just pure taut bronzed skin and muscle. This looks promising! The hand grabs the edge of the pool, pulling the rest of the body up and onto the edge. It's Alec! Alec killed the ninja!

Alec pulled himself out of the pool, dripping wet after losing all of his clothes except for his emergency speedos. No time for describing that in detail, those smooth pecs and rock hard abs, there were ninjas on the loose.

Meanwhile Minnie and Pearl are magically transformed into superheroes and pick a fight with Wombat.

Minnie jumped up another fiftly metres in the air, calling upon the gods and the power of her ancestors. Lost most superheros Minnie had a specialty power and/or type of power. Minnie had the power of Japanese Feminine Modesty.

"SHABU SHABU KIMONO CABARU!!!" SHOUTED MINNIE.

Suddenly, the wombat was wearing a kimono. It was a gorgeous purple cotton kimono depicting a lake with white cranes flying on the back. In the lower left corner, toward the rear of the wombat, was a crane nest with with one crane sitting and another landing. The kimono was topped off with a gorgeous red silk obi around the waist. It was simply beautiful. Captain Kirk would have a crack at it that's for sure.

So, ahh, how's it going?

Dakota raised his eyebrows and let his eyes fall on Rick's sexy muscled body one more time. He got up out of his chair and walked around Rick. Rick didn't know what to do, so he just kept standing there feeling so small.

"Well don't worry then," said Dakota. "We won't be doing anything unusual."

Ok back to the book. Minnie and Pearl didn't quite cut the mustard as superheroes. After getting their asses kicked by Wombat they wake up, strangers in a strange land...

"ZOMG fux where are we!" she said to Minnie.

"I don't know. We have to get back to L.A. as fast as we can." said Minnie.

"But we lost? Can't we go find some sailors? Sexy time?" said Pearl.

But hey, maybe you don't need super powers when you have technology?

"Bad neighbours? Annoying yapping dogs? Want that promotion? In-laws coming over? Well take a trip to Sammy's Tac Nukes for all your nuclear needs. We've got A-bombs, H-bombs, neutron bombs and cyclotrons. Everything you need to get the result you need. Take a look at our wide range of accessories and ask about our No Bang No Bucks refund policy."

Alec escapes the ninjas only to find himself in a very strange situation.

As they reached the foot of the tower the creature jumped out from the cover of the wheat field and bolted for the door. It then reared up on it's hind legs, blocking the trio of tired tortured travellers.

"Bonan tagon vi sinjoroj. Bonvolu permesi ke mi demandu kiel ci tiu speco tago estas traktanta vi?" said the little bundle of fur. It was a Chincilla, known to the Chinese as the dragon-cat. Alec knew the Chincilla to be a wise and yet fluffy sort of creature. Their cute possum-like appearance neatly covered their passion for art and philosophy. They are south american though, which means that they can get very passionate and emotional with their feelings and stuff. Beware their wrath. Very good in the sack too. Fiery!

With so much going on, it seems appropriate to introduce another character.

Mark Grondman sat down at his command chair on the bridge of the Starship Dave Grohl. It was tough times at the moment. They were on route to sector 17, emergency speed. Some sort of disaster on the planet, probably involving rhythm in some respect. It always does. Of course, that was nothing unusual for Mark Grondman, greatest drummer in the Universe.

Alec escapes from Wombat.

Wombat bounded over the last of the hills. Alec was there, in that flaming windmill. He could feel it. Feel the hatred for Alec. That bastard!

Two.

One.

Liftoff!

The windmill exploded. Flaming chunks of wood and wallpaper blasted out in all directions. Wombat could see a rocket ascending into the sky. Alec was on the rocket. He could feel it.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111"

Minnie and Pearl figure out a way to lure Wombat to their trap.

Minnie and Pearl went over to the wombats for one last time. They were happy little wombats, playing their happy little wombat games. They had satisfied smiles on their faces and panting breaths. Tired from all the fun I suppose. They gathered around Minnie and Pearl's legs, rubbing their soft fur against their legs. With their mobile phones they took pictures of the cutest little wombats. Memories to treasure forever. Minnie and Pearl made sure to give them lots and lots of hugs before finally leaving.

They watched the wombats and the caged furries from up in the commentary box, which seemed to be a safe enough distance. Minnie had the remote control for the furry cage.

"You know," she said. "Those wombats are really really cute!"

"Yeah," said Pearl.

Minnie unlocked the furry cage. The furries, mouths frothing with excitement, immediately pounced on the unsuspecting wombats. Playtime was over for these little cuties.

"How long do you think until the big wombat gets here?" asked Pearl, taking a vague interest in the carnage below.

"I don't know," said Minnie. She was watching one of the furries with a wombat. "Is that supposed to go there?" she asked.

"Only on very special occasions." said Pearl.

Tyler Dann has his own very personal problems.

Yeah, such a bit hit with the chicks, he thought. They just can't help themselves with him. Even the ones with dicks. Yeah. They were still chicks, right? Yeah they must be. They still had the hair and the makeup and all the big bouncy titties and stuff. He'll show them a good time, yeah. Maybe they could fuck him in the ass a little too... NO! No that would be gay! Tyler Dann is not a gay homosexual! Tyler Dann is a big fucking stud and a hit with the ladies!

But hey we can't forget about Minnie, Pearl and Wombat

By the time she finally made it to the detonate screen the wombat had already squished all the furries. One of them tried to run but, heh, like you are gonna get far from a two hundred meter wombat. The two braced themselves while Minnie pressed the detonate button.

"Are you sure?" asked the remote. YES YOU STUPID FUCKING REMOTE THAT'S WHY I PRESSED IT!!!!11!!11

The atomic bomb exploded, instantly blasting away the stadium, the furries and the wombats. Ok that looked really cool. That's going onto YouTube.

And now for something completely different.

The donkey was floating upside down in the hot tub. Poor thing. Just wanted to have fun, you know. Get away from his oppressive parents. Yeah it was fun at first, hanging out with all the other teenage goats. Smoking some cigarettes, then some weed. The people started getting a bit stranger. Soon the goat was getting into smack. It was addicted in days, giving random people blowjobs in back alleys for just a few bucks. Sometimes it took hours to work up the money for a single hit. Then it found Jack. He was the goat's pimp. He protected the goat, looked after it. Jack made sure the goat had all the good shit. Soon the goat was getting into the most exclusive parties. Man they would get up to some freaky shit. But not anymore. The goat had partied his last party.

Wombat, propelled by the force of the atomic bomb, meets up with Mark Grondman.

Wombat collided heavily with the ship, smashing the interstellar vessel and obliterating it into a billion tiny little bits. Oh shiny! thought wombat, looking at all the pieces glittering in the sunlight.

Mark, making his escape to the spaceship manned by Steel Rose, concocts a cunning disguise...

Oh shit! I can't say I'm Mark Grondman. They will instantly recognise me as Mark Grondman, the greatest drummer in the universe. I will need a disguise. Somethings so patently cunning that nobody could possibly expect that I was Mark Grondman, the greatest drummer in the universe.

"Yah," he said. Oh man that accent is perfect! "Mein namen issen Grond Markman. I liken to play the tappy taps, ya!"

Introducing a new character is a good opportunity to create a bit of tension

He was a king among bread. A ninja king, and also a pirate king. A ninja pirate king among breads. Uberbrad was an Uberbread. Oh yeah some bread could kill two ninjas at once, maybe even ten. But Uberbrad was something else entirely. Uberbrad could instantly behead millions of vampire ninjas in seconds. In fact, uberbreadiness is measured in mega-vampire-ninja-kills-per-second. That's millions of vampire ninja kills per second. Uberbrad rates 5.2, 5.6 on a good day and if they all line up properly. Plus, he's full of complex carbohydrates.

Uberbrad the Uberbread was startled from his bready slumber. He could feel a presence. A presence in this world that he had not felt since... oh so long ago. Perhaps it is nothing, he thought. Yes, it must be nothing. It couldn't be them again. We took care of them last time. So long ago. Yeah. Everything is fine. Got to get back to sleep. Back to sleep... back to sleep....

So... ah... there's this rock festival going on. Things kind of get out of hand...

Red fountains started to spray out of the holes of the fallen. Grond Markman had seen that before. It was blood, spraying up in a death fountain. A very common sight for a man that travels to worlds with scary monsters. Oh noes scary monsters! he thought. I thought this was a hot chicks planet?

Zombie vampire wombats suddenly burst out of their holes. They were like a black plague, swarming all over the crowd. Some went to the brain via the back of the head. You just crack it open like and egg and feast on the gooey insides. Others went through the face. These were generally the male zombie vampire wombats. They preferred young women by default. It was a very strange fetish that they had built up over the years, eating the faces of young women. But hey, when you are an immortal hellspawn doomed to an eternity of darkness on this world you have got to get your rocks off somehow. If you have to eat the face off a pretty girl to do that then hey, who am I to judge?

Some of the protagonists sorta, well, die.

None of the members of Burn survived for very long. Even Tyler Dunn, so outed in his gheyness, didn't last for long. They got him pretty quick. It was hard though, for the wombats. They had to get through all that hair. Tyler was fully permed and fluffed. That's just like a net of tangling spider webs or something to a horde of zombie vampire wombats. Soon Tyler's hair was filled with zombie vampire wombats. He was running around the stage screaming OMG WOMBATS ARE IN MY HAIR OMG OMG OMG! But there was nothing he could do about it. Once you get zombie vampire wombats in your hair there's nothing much you can do. I mean you could cut off all the hair but then you would look totally stupid.

Mark Grondman, greatest drummer in the universe, and Alec, who is also pretty cool, make their last stand.

Suddenly the lights go out. The zombie vampire wombats have cut the lights. They hate lights, Alec thought. Maybe I should have thought of that earlier? We could have used that knowledge somehow. Alec and Mark were fighting blind. Alec had major ninja skillz, he was totally used to fighting hundreds of crazy foes in complete darkness. Mark was using all of his musician skills, hearing the wombats as they flew through the air towards him. Every wombat that came near was prompty stabbed the heart. They were surrounded by so much icky wombat goo that the stage was getting very slippery. If they fell at any moment they would be instantly set upon by the zombie vampire wombats. Oh noes that would totally suck.

Mark is bitten, but Alec manages to hold his own against Zombie Mark for a while.

Alec was dodging and weaving, weaving and dodging, when finally he got his second big breakthrough, right through Zombie Mark's right elbow. Zombie Mark screamed, "BRRRAAAAINNNSSS!!" but he really meant "ZOMG WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY ARMS OH FUCK NOES!!!!". Fuck noes indeed, thought Alec. All the wombats were all "ooh now he's got him" and "ooh I'm going to eat that one's face".

Finally it's up to breads and pastries to save the day.

Then came the gingerbread men. They had a saying in the land of pastries: "Don't fuck with the gingerbread men. They are bad ass motherfuckers". Damn straight. These bad ass motherfuckers were about to open a can of whoop ass on these zombie vampire wombats. They were all decked out in their war frosting. Yeah bitches, suck on some of this, they thought, pulling out some chainsaws and crowbars and shit.

They started wailing into the lethargic wombats. Oh fuck noes! thought the wombats. Stop beating us up motherfuckers! Gingerbread men were coming at them from left and right, totally digging in with the chainsaws and shit. Yeah a chainsaw would totally fuck up a zombie vampire wombat. Sure, a bullet was painful, but it wasn't anything like having your ass shredded by these fucking rotating blades of pain. Fuck that hurt. It would take a whole week to grow that ass back.

But hey, we can't stop here. Let's fast-forward 10,000 years into the future.

Civilisation moved forward, clumping around the most powerful bakeries where it was safer from the zombie vampire wombats. Eventually industries began to form. Buildings were being built. It was hard work creating one from scratch, but they managed. Bakeries became larger, more powerful. They could crank out loaves so quickly that they were just made on demand. Their french stick launcher was so powerful that it could pin a wombat to the ground from two kilometers away. Provided that the wombat sat still for the duration of the travel time and didn't get out of the way when he saw the french stick about to skewer him. Ok that happened pretty rarely bit still, two kilometers for a bread stick is pretty cool.

I like to think that my work is highly original.

But they were other myths too. Myths about a secret society. A society of scientists and philosophers who had understood the true power of the bread. They could wield magic, twisting and molding the power of the bread to serve their purposes. There was talk that a few could even tap into the power of the bread itself. Imagine what one could do with such power! They could totally flip out and kill thousands of zombie vampire wombats at once. Then they could plug their axe into a distoring amp and totally wail on a killer power solo extreme! These breadomancers, as people liked to call them, could be very powerful indeed.

And there is always room for a sequel or five.

In his super fancy breadomancer castle the wizard watch the battle commence. That is a pretty fucking big battle, he thought. It reminds me of my battle, so long ago. Oh Mark, why did you have to go all zombie and try to eat me?